Playing doctor
Or; A rambling and not quite true Perrysburg race report
by Zack Clark

Once a year the Maumee Valley Wheelmen are afforded the opportunity to demonstrate to their family and friends that; 

• (A) they do not shave their legs for fun, to make a fashion statement, or because it helps them get all the chicks 
• (B) they and their other biking friends are not a robe and three candles away from the "heaven’s gate"-like cults of the world. There is finally proof, "look honey, not all of those guys are wheelmen, other people really do take cycling this seriously", 
• (C) it is true that the Wheelmen breakfast rides are harder than many a USCF/Tim Tyler race, and 
• (D) Steve Clark is legitimately better than just about everyone, not just in comparison to a bunch of posers (i.e. other Wheelmen).

If there is a single nugget of knowledge to be gained from the Perrysburg crit, it has to be this, "it is better to have access to lots of really cool drugs than to waste your time training". Dr. Jonathon Wright would have had a comfortable victory in the Cat. 5 race if he would have realized sooner that turn #4 was not optional. We learned that Dr. Wright is a good Christian bike racer, he was more than happy to do 95% of the work in the three man winning break, and he didn’t try to confuse the old guy who ended up winning. I would have been peppering him with comments like, "hey, the race ended after that last lap, why are you riding so hard?", "Grampa, I didn’t know you had a ten speed?", and my favorite, "YOU JUST MISSED THE TURN!". But Dr. Wright did the charitable thing and let gramps and the Michael Bolton looking guy stick around for the sprint. We live and learn I guess.

I was able to talk to huddle with Drs. Wright and Clark (eventual winner of the 3/4 race) between their races and there I learned the secret of their success. In a word, Acronyms. Dr. Steve (if I call him Dr. Clark it brings back memories of this wild night in Europe that involved a Swedish girl named Inga, a stethoscope, and stiletto heels. This leaves me very distracted and I usually forget where I am and what I am doing there) confided that, "With my intake of EPO, HGH, PCP, and my altered DNA, I am hard pressed to get my BP over 55 during most rides. The toughest part of any race is trying to look tired for the cameras when I cross the finish line."

With this secret information in hand I ran over to my mentor and bridge partner Adam Slough to give him the good news.

Me: "Adam, the secret is acronyms, now you can win and our plan will be complete (that’s a story for a different time)."

Adam: "Uh, what’s an acronym?"

Me: "um, I’m not too sure, but I think it is like an abbreviation, you know, M-R-S-period instead of misses."

Adam: "Oh yeah, I know about that one"

Me: "There are some important ones that the doctors use, but I can’t remember what they are. Do you know any others?"

Adam: "The only ones that come to mind are STD and BYOB, but I don’t know why."

Me: "Those aren’t the ones, well good luck anyway."

Adam ended up doing well in the race even with the wrong acronyms. He rode off the front of the 3/4 race and he was only caught when he got lonely and slowed down so he would have people to talk to.

Okay, Beverly Hills 90210 reruns are about to come on so that is the end of this story. Until next time, remember, "Ride that bike like you stole it". 

More on the 2002 Perrysburg Race here