I’m not continuing the survival mode column, instead I’m publishing some inquiries I have received from various readers (don’t worry, I’m using initials only)…….

Will,
How many bikes do you have? - DLJ in BG

Hello D, Thanks for asking. I own four working bikes right now: My yellow “Bridgestone” for racing and general road riding, My “Dave Scott” for when I’m in a down-tube shifting mood, my Surly, and my Langster for fixie riding. I also have a couple of Cannondale frames I’m wiling to part with. Cheap.

Hey Will,
What kind of racing do you do? Where do you do it? - TK in Toledo

Hi TK, I race on the road almost exclusively, mostly criteriums since that’s what’s offered nearby. I limit my racing to Ohio and Michigan with rare forays into Indiana.

Will,
Is that duct tape on your surly? - FK in Blissfield

FK, I prefer to call it “chrome”, thank you very much.

Sir,
Remember me? I was driving a car by you and noticed that you weren’t wearing a helmet. At the stoplight I told you that you really should wear a helmet for your own safety. Have you started? - DM in Sylvania

Listen, bucko, I don’t walk around telling people they should slow down while driving, or that they should work out more, or that they should quit smoking. So kindly chill or else you’ll find the helmet I use occupying your descending colon. Capiche?

William,
Hi! Longtime reader, first time questioner. How many hours a week do you work out per week? -RFT in Ottawa Hills

Well hello, R. I usually average about 10-13 a week, depending on my schedule and my level of overtraining. I usually mix it up between road riding, indoor riding, rollerskiing, and, on rare occasions, skiing on real snow.

Will,
What wattage do you maintain during time trial workouts? – MSM in Ann Arbor

0.09099 tons of refrigeration, thank you very much. Next stupid question.

Willard,
What are your favorite rides around here? – CJ in Perrysburg

Don’t you ever, EVER call me ‘Willard’!!

Will,
Wow, you seem to work out a lot. How many have you won any races lately? – TMT in Toledo

Well T, no I haven’t. I think the last race I won was the Great Race in 2000…I think.

Will,
Really? Wow, that’s pretty pathetic for the amount of riding you do. Have you considered getting a coach? – TMT in Toledo

Hey, I really enjoy working out. So what if I don’t find myself in the mix at the end, or everyone is in tiptop shape come June and I’m feeling a little stiff. I usually enjoy doing it, nonetheless. I’ve been on coached programs on several occasions, over several years, with an intense focus on goals. Each time I’ve terminated those endeavors in a state akin to a nervous breakdown. Coaching, focus, and goals don’t mix for me.

Will,
ROTFLMAO! You’ve got to be kidding me! What a baby! What a loser! Why don’t you get a life, or something? – TMT in Toledo

T, I have a job. I’m actually back in school working on another engineering degree.

Loser,
That’s not a life; that’s treading water and eyeing little 20-year old coeds with bad intent while life passes you by. How’s living in your mom’s basement? – TMT in Toledo

EAT SH*T AND DIE YOU F***ING F***WIT!!!!!

Will,
Hi. What do you think about Dr. Andrew Coggan’s TSS scheme? – AJ in Waterville

Well AJ, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “Black F***ing Magic”.

Hi William,
Remember me? I was there when you did a pretty decent Bjarne Riis imitation with your bike back on Fulton County rd 2. How are things these days? Have you had to fetch any more of your bikes from cornfields? – LMM in Waterville

L, better living through chemistry is my motto.

Will,
Since you don’t have a lot of results, have you identified your weaknesses? How have you been dealing them as a racer? What – AJF in Maumee

AJF – What are my weaknesses? I don’t feel like writing a psych PhD dissertation. Sorry.

Will,
What are the worst conditions for you to ride and/or race in? – DDM in Toledo

Heat and humidity. Hands down. Once the mercury rises above 85, it’s only a matter of time before I wilt…No matter how much I drink.

Will,
What to you to give back to this sport that you obviously find so much meaning in? – DK in Detroit

DK, just the fact that I can stand as a warning and an object example of how to not do things is, I think, enough. All in a day’s work as far as I’m concerned.

Will,
I just wanted to say you’ve been a real inspiration to me. Thanks to you I got a bike and started racing last year. I’ll probably get my cat I upgrade next month. Thanks for everything! – TGH in Lansing

People like you make me f***ing sick. Take your f***ing 90 ml/kg VO₂max and shove it up your a**. Please, just go away and leave me in peace.

Well, folks, that’s all I have in the letters department for now. I’ll resume with my take on cold weather riding next time. Until then…Well…Don’t call me ‘Willard’.