6/24/04   35 Lap Crit at OOIP          Back to the race page
by Will McLaughlin

I heard a bunch of people went out for sushi last night. Was it a good meal? I hope nobody thinks that I was "dissing" anyone by not going...Because just thinking that last sentence makes me more narcissistic than I care to be. But really, my alternate personality thought I'd been a good boy over the past week so I decided to treat myself to a b-i-g, m-e-a-t-y, g-r-e-a-s-y omelette after the race. It's one of those mental games I play with myself to keep me in my place.

I've got nothing against sushi; it's delicious, actually.

I'm starting to remember why racing and Thursday nights don't mix well with my personal biochemistry. It's 10:30pm as I write this(longhand), I'm well into my 3rd beer (Sam Adams Boston Ale), and I still feel...Antsy. It's probably a sign that I need to get laid more often but since I'm going through a famine time right now I'll just have to settle for another beer or two, finish writing this, and throw on a video like "Prince of Darkness" or "The Thing". Something to calm me down.

Okay, okay. That was a little more information than you needed to know and I get the impression that I'm wasting your time. So let's get down to brass spoke nipples:

TACTICAL STUPIDITY #2 - "PYROMANIA"

Metaphors and analogies are some of the mental devices that we use to make sense of this miserable plane of existence (self-deceit and delusion are others, but those are off-topic). Bike racing has got a few colorful ones like "writing checks", "cashing checks", "topping off the fuel tank", "diesel" among others. My favorite of late, however, is "burning matches". Keep your matches (or powder) dry. Don't burn all your matches too early. You get the idea. Which brings me to an aphorism I devised not two minutes ago:

"People who burn matches inappropriately can be coached in proper etiquette. People who burn matches in mass quantities, just for the sake of burning matches, would be better served with psychological counseling, a straitjacket, a padded cell....Or kerosene."

That works on so many levels, though I think I should have mentioned something about swallowing matches....But I don't want to encourage any impressionable people out there.

What about the race? Well, believe it or not, I had a fun time out there. The attacks and counterattacks were plentiful and sometimes even well-timed. What's better though is that, while Clark (saving some matches for Sunday) won again the field did not go gently into that good night. Hats off to Jason Mischka for pulling off a well timed (and hidden) final 5-lap solo move, the longest break of the race. It almost worked, except that it didn't. Oh well, them's the breaks.

One thing about the race that Dave Koesel commented on, and I agree with, was that there was a non-steadiness to the tempo where the race would fluctuate between a small-ring tempo and a 53x14 panic attack. Part of this, no doubt, is because of the small field with an overabundance of old, crafty bastards and young, clueless bastards. Part of it is also due to what I call the regional "flavor" of bike racing. These are topics for a later time. Mostly, though, I think what happened was that while there were many attacks and counterattacks, they were either solo moves or there was a group with a lack of cohesion. Consequently, these breakaways would be brought back quickly, allowing the field a chance for a breather before anyone had time to recoup for a counterattack.

I suppose this is nothing to be ashamed about as most breakaways are doomed. After all, only one breakaway (if at all) can succeed in a given race. However, you Jacky Durand wannabes should keep a couple things in mind so you don't go burning your matches inappropriately.

1)"One is the loneliest number"

There were several instances midway through the race where a chase tried to bridge up to a lone breakaway only to get dragged into a pointless cat-and-mouse chase because the soloist was a) unaware of the chaser, b) "dissing" the chaser, or c) carrying out his personal suicide solution. All three options spell doom for the breakaway but I want to focus on "b)". To the lone breakaway I have only to ask: What the heck to you intend to accomplish turning down an offer of assistance? Do you think you can hold off everyone? Alone? With more than ten miles to go? Mike House was the last person to pull that off, and he ain't here anymore. If someone offers you a light, take him up on it. More matches to go around.

2)Hard. Fast. Steady.

There's not a lot I can say about this. You're not going to win friends (or races around here) by soft-pedaling in breakaways. However, you're also not going to win many friends (or races around here) if you feel the need to pull through 2mph faster than everyone else. If everyone takes their turn burning matches consistently people won't get burned, people won't go blind, and things just might work out.

So ends our rant for today. But you're wondering about people who want to burn matches for the heck of it? I suppose it's okay. Just keep them away from fireworks and small children.

See you all at the next race. Until then, don't race like I do.

Will McLaughlin

Disclaimer

Will McLaughlin does not smoke, nor has he ever been accused or convicted of any felony. But he can attest that lit matches can burn like a motherf----r if not swallowed properly.