Haha!!! Thought you could get rid of me, eh! Nary a peep has been heard from me on this site since g_d-knows-when. And you thought “It’s over; he’s finally gone! He’s finally found a woman and has disappeared! We can get on with our normal lives and we’ll never hear from that raving lunatic with an anger management problem ever again!”

Wrong on all counts!! HAHA!

So, what’s been going on with your correspondent so-called life these past few months? Now that the icy grip of winter has returned and the bleakness outside matches my soul I can impart my knowledge and tales of surviving and staying fit in this so called “off season”.

One warning: If you’ve come here looking for things like ‘goals’ and ‘achievement’, or ‘focus’ or ‘quality’ you’ve come to the wrong place. You are not your job, or how much money you have in your bank. You’re not the car you drive, or the size of your bank account. You’re not your f---ing khakis. And you certainly aren’t your goals. So, once we’re clear that your goals are as trivial and meaningless as everyone else’s, we can get to work:

Denial - More than a river in Egypt

“The trick is in not minding that it hurts” -T.E. Lawrence

Anyone who was there with me at the Mitchell Christmas party can attest that denial is an extremely powerful state of mind. Indeed, the dividing line between self-confidence/hope and self-delusion is too fine for most of us to perceive. Having said that, once you can convince yourself that it really isn’t all that cold outside, or that it doesn’t really matter if you can’t feel your hands or feet, you’re already more than halfway there.

Look, it’s cold out there. But it’s not THAT BAD. I’m sure some hardy soul in Rugby, North Dakota or some old babushka in Magnitogorsk think that we’re experiencing absolutely balmy conditions out here. Get over yourself. As much as some people out there are convinced that there’s some ‘intelligent’ designer guiding the development of life on earth; if there is such a designer he’s either criminally incompetent or has a sick sense of humor. Nevertheless, as sloppily and haphazardly we’re put together we’re pretty good at tolerating cold as long as we’re properly dressed and prepared for it.

So, I guess the take-home message is that you can tolerate a lot more cold than you think...If you don’t mind...As long as you keep all the cotton garments at home.

Equipment

“You’re rescuing me in that!? You’re braver than I thought.” -Princess Leia “Jeff! Your saddle is suspect” - Dave Koesel “It’s hip to be square” - Huey Lewis

The best purchase I ever, ever made was Adam Slough’s Surly CrossCheck. It’s the green beast; it takes a licking and keeps on ticking; it’s bomb-proof; indestructible; resistant to excessive use of semicolons. Enough with the superlatives. I abuse the thing. I can abuse the thing again and again. And, more importantly, it likes to be abused.

Let’s face it; all of your nice, space-agey machines that you decided to buy instead of financing your child’s college education is worth f***-all when the temperature dips below 273 degrees (absolute) and the roads are covered with a fine dusting of salt...If they aren’t wet. Not exactly the the kind of conditions that will make your litespeed run in good condition. I don’t give a rat’s ass if it IS titanium; s*** is going to get in the works and after one winter, it’ll never be as nice a ride again.

Not the Surly, though. Even if the steel corroded through in several locations it’d stay together, with the added benefit of weight savings. OK I exaggerate (a little), but the point is that since my winter machine was never acquired in the interest of performance, I really don’t care what the performance is...Outside of going forward and getting to where I want to go.

Oh, and I can’t call this the ‘equipment’ section without mentioning that fenders are the best things, ever. Not only is my entire backside dry after every ride, but I have a machine that is terminally uncool. That, and strategic application of duct tape makes the Surly the most garish-looking heap in the known universe. It may not look like much, but it’s got it when it counts...And nobody but me would be caught dead riding it.

Association

“Time to make the donuts”-Anon.

If there is one thing that made me get on my bike during any inclement conditions it’s that my bike is the way I got to work every morning. Think about it for a second: I bet by the time you get to your office in the morning, unless you’ve been in a traffic incident you can barely remember how your drive went. And you do this day, after day, after day. Well, its the same for commuting to work as well, one day and one ride has a way of blending into the other. Once you have a system down you’re not ‘training’, or ‘riding’ you’re just getting to your s--- job so you can sit in your cubicle so you can count the moments before you go home.

Now, there’re some logistical issued that have to be dealt with, one being that you need a place to keep your bike. Having a Surly solved that problem at my first place of employment: I just parked it outside. I had the best damn parking spot at the Sunoco refinery, right by the gate. And since it was a Surly, I could leave it out in all conditions and not worry about it.

My new place of employment downtown did that one better. Since I’m a new schmuck at the place, my nominal parking spot is several blocks from the office. With my bike, however, I have a prime parking spot...In the basement of the building. Eat your heart out, Mr. PhD/MBA CEO, my life is good, ahhhhh! As far as hygiene goes, baby wipes and antibacterial dry-rinse sole a lot of problems. ‘nuff said.

I’m running out of steam at the present moment. Since I like seeing myself in print I’m sending this off. The next part will be a continuation with maybe some amusing anecdotes...Depending on comment from you, my unwilling audience.